Gender diversity

This guide

In this Guide, gender diverse describes someone whose gender identity doesn’t fit the typical categories linked to their assigned sex, eg male/masculine or female/feminine. It’s an umbrella term for identities outside the gender binary, such as non-binary, transgender, gender-fluid, or gender-queer, and reflects a person’s unique and evolving sense of self.

This guide does not address issues relevant to people who are intersex as these relate to differences in sex characteristics rather than gender diversity. Some intersex people may be trans or gender diverse, many are cisgender.

Terminology

Terms change and evolve over time as knowledge increases and we learn from people’s lived experience. Some terms may be unfamiliar or seem unnecessary however, language plays an important role in helping people describe and communicate their experiences and identities. It will help to ask your child or young person how they describe themselves and the terms they would like you to use.

• Pronouns – words that take the place of a person’s name, such as he/him, she/her or they/ them.
• Cisgender – refers to people whose gender identity matches the gender they were assigned at birth (i.e. assigned male and identify as male, assigned female and identify as female).
• Gender affirmation or transition – the expression of a person’s gender and its acknowledgement. Affirmation can be social, legal, medical.
• Gender binary – refers to how societies such as ours generally recognise only two genders, boy/man or girl/woman. A number of cultures around the world including Aboriginal cultures have a broader understanding of gender, and this has been true for centuries.
• Gender expression – how a person communicates their gender to others. This can include their name, the pronouns they use to refer to themselves (he/ she/they), their appearance, tone of voice, gait and more.
• Gender fluid – when a person's gender identity and/or expression is not fixed/ fluid, their experience of gender may shift over time and may vary as they develop a deeper understanding of who they are.
• Gender questioning – usually refers to someone who is unsure of or still exploring their gender.
• Intersex – an umbrella term for people who are born with physical, hormonal or chromosomal sex characteristics that are different from what is typically expected for males or females. There are many natural variations, and they may be noticed at birth, during puberty, later in life, or sometimes not at all.
• LGBTIQA+ – stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, Queer/ Questioning, Asexual/ Aromantic and other sexually or gender diverse people.
• Misgendering – when someone is referred to or addressed incorrectly, eg their name or pronouns. This can cause harm whether accidental or intentional.
• Non-binary – someone who does not identify exclusively as a man/boy or a woman/girl, falling outside the gender binary of male or female. They may experience gender as a mix of both, something entirely different, or no gender at all, with identities often under the trans umbrella.
• Transgender (Trans)–an umbrella term for someone whose gender is different from their assigned sex. A person assumed female at birth may later express a male gender or the other way round. Some trans people identify as non-binary because they do not feel that traditional gender roles fit who they are.
• Agender – when a person doesn’t identify as any gender label or who doesn't use gender as part of their identity.

Gender

Gender is an important part of who we are. Children learn about gender through their families, communities, cultures and experiences, which can influence their beliefs about themselves and others. From an early age, children learn messages from family, culture, media and society about how people are expected to look, behave and interact with others. Ideas about what is considered masculine or feminine are often based on stereotypes and do not reflect the wide range of identities, strengths, interests and ways people express themselves. When people believe there are only two genders, it can make it harder to recognise, understand and talk about the diversity of gender experiences and identities.

As gender is central to how we see ourselves, it’s easy to forget the key role society plays in shaping it. From birth, we may learn common ideas and expectations about how girls/women and boys/men should behave. Yet so-called ‘feminine’ and ‘masculine’ traits and roles are often based on stereotypes which fail to reflect a full range of human diversity and gender expression. The idea that there are only two genders makes it difficult to even start a conversation about other possibilities and to acknowledge gender diverse people.

Health and wellbeing

While social awareness is increasing, transgender and non-binary people often face discrimination, violence, harassment and rejection.  This can lead to anxiety, depression, self-harm, social isolation and in some cases, suicide. Poor mental health and suicide risk are much greater for trans and gender diverse young people than their cisgender peers. Australian surveys show significantly higher mental health challenges among gender diverse children and young people, mostly because of discrimination – not because of their identity. An important protective factor is the love, acceptance and support of family. This helps children and young people build confidence in who they are and what they want in life.

Despite the many challenges, transgender and gender diverse people can and do live happy, fulfilling lives. When children and young people question their gender identity, they are starting a journey of becoming who they truly are. The whole family can celebrate this.

While learning that your child is gender diverse can feel overwhelming at first, when supported to be who are really are, children can thrive. This is what most parents want for their children.

Gender identity

At birth a child is typically assigned female or male based on physical characteristics. It has been generally assumed that an infant assigned female will grow up feeling like a girl, or a boy if assigned male. It is now widely recognised this is not necessarily the case, and that only individuals themselves can know their gender.

Many young children explore gender roles, which can commence as early as the age of 3. They might like to dress up in clothes traditionally associated with a different gender or play with toys that don’t fit society’s gender stereotypes, eg girls playing with trucks, boys playing with dolls. They may take on a different gender role. Supporting this play as part of their healthy development helps all children explore the world and who they are.

As gender identity becomes established, for many this will be the same as the gender assigned to them at birth. For others, this won’t mirror what is going on in their bodies or who they know themselves to be. They may feel more like a different gender or a mix of genders.  Some may not feel like either a girl or boy.

Some children take a long time to explore their gender. Others may know from an early age their gender is different to the one expected of them.

Creating an inclusive home environment from the start helps all children develop a sense of belonging and wellbeing. This can include:

• speaking in an inclusive and respectful way.  Children will listen to your words and attitudes to know whether they can talk to you about how they feel
• challenging traditional gender expectations. This gives a broader view of boys, girls and gender diversity and encourages children to be themselves
• trying not to use gendered language, eg ‘girls and boys’ when you mean ‘children’ or stereotypes, eg ‘boys don’t cry’ so children feel safe to express themselves
• including more than ‘girls’ and ‘boys’ when you do talk about different genders, eg non-binary kids
• calling out disrespectful talk or behaviour among family and friends.

Gender dysphoria

Some gender diverse and transgender children and young people are comfortable with their identity. For others the lack of fit between their gender and body may be highly distressing. This can cause emotional turmoil and physical discomfort. When this is the case, it is important to consult health professionals experienced in supporting gender diverse children and young people. They may identify gender dysphoria. They can provide counselling and discuss other options to reduce distress.

As puberty approaches young people may become concerned about unwanted physical changes, eg the onset of menstruation, breast development, deeper voice or facial hair. It can help to know about reversible hormone blockers that delay such changes. This and any future options can be discussed with gender diversity specialists. Keep in mind the likelihood of long wait lists and the need for hormone blockers to start at the very beginning of physical development, ie when hormones begin to send signals throughout the body. This can be from age 8 if assumed female at birth and around age 11 if assumed male.

Many people feel they don’t fit society’s stereotypes for their gender.  For some their physical characteristics also don’t feel right.

Gender affirmation

Gender affirmation, also known as transition, is a process that allows people to live more genuinely as themselves. While some people might not want any type of affirmation, for others being gender diverse may include:

• a change of name (some may change personal details legally, eg birth certificate, passport)
• a change of pronouns (using he/him, she/her or gender-neutral options they/them, ze/zir, xe/xem, etc.)
• looking and dressing differently
• being socially recognised as another gender
• use of hormone/puberty blockers (if supported by medical practitioners and parent/s) – consent from one parent can be sufficient when the other parent is absent.

Gender affirming surgery is also an option from age 18 and is generally funded privately.

Gender affirmation takes place over time and may require additional support from family, friends or professionals. Help your child or young person get as much information as possible about their options. Medical advice and clinical guidelines in this area are evolving. Families are encouraged to seek current information from experienced health professionals and specialist services.

A supportive family can make a big difference. When gender diverse children and young people feel loved, respected and valued it helps build their confidence and resilience. They are likely to have better physical and mental health now and in the future.

Gender and sexual attraction

It’s important not to assume that being gender diverse leads to a particular sexuality, eg being ‘gay’. Gender identity does not determine a person’s sexuality. These are two different things. Like all young people, those who are gender diverse may be attracted to:

• people of a different gender
• people of their own gender
• people of multiple genders, not always equally.

Some young people may be asexual and experience no sexual attraction. Others may still be working out who they are attracted to. Just like gender, a young person’s sexuality is an ongoing discovery.

When your child invites you in

Some parents may feel comfortable to start the conversation about their child’s gender identity. Others learn about it from their young person and can react in various ways. Some may see it as just a part of who their child is and support them from the start. Some parents may have wondered about it and be pleased they can now talk openly. Others might need time to adjust but are happy their child or young person trusts them enough to share this part of themselves. Some parents can worry about what this may mean for their child’s future.

Others may deny, disbelieve or hope it will pass. They can feel shocked, angry, guilty, disappointed or ashamed. It may challenge their values and beliefs, especially some religious or cultural beliefs. They might feel embarrassed and anxious about the reactions of family members or friends.

Some parents may not accept their child or young person’s gender identity.  This can lead to a hurtful break in family relationships. The feeling of being rejected and the lack of support for who they are increase the risk of poor mental health, homelessness and suicide.

To tell a parent you are gender diverse takes courage. They know it could change how you feel about them. They might worry they will lose your love.

Why is my child or young person questioning their gender?

Parents often ask why their child or young person is identifying as gender diverse. Are they rebelling? Are they influenced by others? Is it a phase? Can it be changed?

We don’t know why some people’s internal sense of gender is different from what was assigned to them at birth. We do know that throughout history gender diversity has always existed regardless of whether it was socially acceptable or not. It is now widely recognised by medical and psychological professions as a part of natural human variation to be affirmed and supported.

Our gender is what feels right and normal to us even if different from how others express it. If you ask a cisgender person if they chose to be the gender they are, they would likely say ‘No, I was born this way – it’s just the way I am and I couldn’t be anything else’. It’s no different for gender diverse people.

With the harassment and discrimination that exists, most people would not be on this path if it didn’t feel a vital part of who they are and important for their health and wellbeing.

Although your child or young person is unlikely to be going through a phase, permanent changes such as surgery can only take place from age 18 after very thorough assessment. In the meantime, their gender can be affirmed socially. Regardless of whether it is a lasting change or a period of exploration, it’s important that the way you support your child or young person stays the same. A lack of support doesn’t change the outcome – it only slows the process.

Did I do something wrong?

Parents may worry they did something wrong and could be ‘to blame’ for their child or young person’s gender. There is no evidence that parenting styles or family circumstances determine gender identity. Feeling blame implies there is something wrong with a child’s gender expression and this is not true. Parents can be an important influence now by creating a supportive environment for their child or young person to safely explore their gender.

Why didn’t they tell me before?

You may feel hurt, angry or guilty because your young person didn’t tell you earlier. It is important to realise they probably couldn’t. They may have:

• needed time to work it out for themselves
• worried about hurting you, or felt guilty about ruining your hopes and dreams for them
• experienced negative attitudes, been harassed or bullied, rejected by their friends or seen this happen to others. Your rejection might have been too much to risk.

It says something about your relationship that they have shared this with you now. It shows they want to include you in all parts of their life despite their fears or anxiety.

Some ways to respond

The most important thing is that your child or young person knows you love them and are proud of them. Tell them how pleased you are they trust you enough to share this part of themselves with you. It also helps to:

• keep an open heart and mind. Be willing to listen, even if you feel uncomfortable. It may be hard to hear what they say but it’s also hard for them to tell you
• not react if you have strong negative feelings. Let them know you need time to think and agree to talk later. When you are ready, approach the topic as calmly and openly as possible
• don’t assume any particular outcome if they are still working out who they are, eg that they will be transgender or gay
• learn as much as you can from reliable sources, eg the lived experience of gender diverse people and those who support them. This will help you understand what is happening for your child and point to things you can discuss together
• be patient with yourself and others. It can take time to deal with all the fears and myths about gender diverse people
• get support from people who understand what you are going through.  Services listed at the end of this Guide can be a good place to start.

The best thing to say when your young person talks about their gender is ‘I love you and I am here for you’. They need your love, respect and understanding now more than ever.

Supporting your child

It can strengthen your relationship to explore what is happening for your child or young person and how you can support them, just as you would with any other issue.

• Listen carefully and try to understand their experience.
• Go at their pace. They may still be trying to work it out.
• Ask what you can do to make the conversation easier. Avoid giving a lecture.
• Ask questions and be honest about anything you don’t understand.  There may be something they would like you to read or look at.
• Reassure them there are other gender diverse children or young people. They may wish to connect with a support or community group.
• Respect their wishes regarding privacy and confidentiality. They have placed their trust in you. It’s up to them if and when they wish to tell others, including family members.
• Don’t say too much about any concerns you have. These are best talked through with others who understand gender diversity.
• Ask how you can best support them.
• Give them space if they need it but keep the door open to ongoing conversations. It can be easier to talk when travelling in the car or doing something together, such as going for a walk, washing the dishes.
• Finding information or other people’s personal stories can help your understanding and be good conversation starters with your child or young person.
• Continue doing the things you enjoy together. They are the same child you have always loved.

Any other children in the family will still need your support and guidance. You can work out together how they might support their gender diverse sibling.

Let your child or young person know they can talk to you at any time. If they don’t want to talk to you, make sure they have accurate information and other trusted people to communicate with.

Encourage self-worth

It is important that children and young people feel confident about who they are. For those who are gender diverse and transgender, this can be challenging. Being themselves means going against what society expects of ‘girls’ and ‘boys’ or feeling that their body doesn’t fit who they are. Every day they may have to decide how to answer personal questions. It’s a lot to deal with.

You can help by:

• acknowledging their courage
• supporting them to:
  • be comfortable with who they are
  • have a positive attitude about exploring their gender
  • be respectful to themselves and others
  • make healthy, safe choices
• encouraging activities they love – for example, art, music, dance, sport.

Other types of support

It’s important that any decisions and actions are guided by what your child or young person needs and wants.

• They may wish to be known by a different name, that more accurately reflects their gender. Using their own gender descriptions, eg ‘trans’, ‘non-binary’ and pronouns, eg she/he/they or others shows the respect cisgender people take for granted.
• If you have your child’s permission, talk with family members, friends, teachers about using their chosen name and pronouns.
• Support their friendships with others on a similar journey.
• Be their advocate when needed, eg having their gender affirmed and supported at school, sporting clubs, services, etc.
• Help them find accurate information and support.
• Connect them with gender diversity services, especially if they seem upset, confused or distressed.
• Encourage their confidence and resilience.
• Help them think about what to do if there is bullying or discrimination. Take steps to keep them safe when necessary.
• Keep letting them know how much you love them and how proud you are of who they are.

You might not have all the answers and may make mistakes along the way. That’s OK. Any efforts to understand what your child is going through will let them know you care and that home is a place where they can be themselves and belong.

Looking after yourself

By affirming your gender diverse child, you are supporting and celebrating who they truly are. At the same time, it is common for parents, siblings, grandparents and other loved ones to experience feelings of grief, loss or uncertainty as they adjust to new understandings of their child and family relationships. Family members may worry about getting things wrong, feel upset when they accidentally misgender their child. They may struggle with how to honour memories of the child they knew before while embracing and affirming who their child is today. These feelings do not mean you love or support your child any less. Just like your child, you and your family will benefit from having your own support as you navigate this journey together.

• Sharing experiences and information with others in the same situation can really help. Make sure your child or young person is comfortable about who you are disclosing their gender identity to.
• Be kind to yourself if you don’t always get it right. You are learning just like your child or young person. Use mistakes to help you move forward.
• Acknowledge the ways you are helping your child or young person to be themselves.
• Seek support. You may prefer to talk to someone who understands gender diversity, such as a professional or other parents.
• Look after your own physical and emotional needs. Make time to do things that relax and recharge you.