Adolescence is the transitional stage between childhood and adulthood. This is a time of significant change that shapes young people’s future wellbeing. It starts with the physical changes of puberty. Major changes in the brain also allow for more complex thinking and emotions. While your young person’s parenting needs may change during the teenage years, your love and guidance are as important as ever. Staying closely connected helps them feel more secure and confident as they navigate these big changes. It’s a great opportunity to support and positively influence their development.
On this page:
About young people
Adolescence can begin at different ages and progress at different rates. It starts with puberty, usually at around ages 11 to 14, although it can be as young as 8 for some children. By middle adolescence (around 15 to 17 years) the physical changes are usually complete and young people can start to look more adult-like. However, their thinking and emotions take until late adolescence to mature.
Puberty
During puberty hormones trigger growth spurts, bodily changes and sexual development. Preteens and teenagers can feel clumsy and awkward as they adjust to their new body and sexual feelings. They may be self-conscious and worry about developing too fast or too slow and whether they are ‘normal’. Your reassurance and support are important at this time. If they don’t feel comfortable discussing this topic, it can help to share resources with them.
Sleep
Research suggests young people need 9 to 10 hours sleep a night. Not getting enough good quality sleep can affect their mood, impulse control, memory and thinking. Their stress levels can increase and they can feel anxious or depressed. It can be difficult as the hormone that prompts sleep is released later, and they often don’t feel tired until late at night. This can make it hard to get up early for school or work.
It can help if they:
- limit screen use for at least an hour before going to bed
- go to sleep and get up around the same time each day. It’s OK to sleep in for 1 to 2 hours on weekends — any longer can disrupt their body clock
- keep TVs, phones and other devices in a family room at night, not in bedrooms.
Agreements about safe, healthy, respectful technology use are best discussed before devices are introduced. This supports young people to manage new freedoms responsibly. These conversations work best when things are calm and relaxed. For example, on a walk or other shared activity.
Staying emotionally connected helps your young person feel more secure and confident as they go through the significant physical, emotional, thinking and social changes of adolescence.
Thinking skills
Young people’s brains are undergoing major changes as they develop the capacity for more complex thinking. During this process they can sometimes feel forgetful and confused. Often when they shrug and say ‘I don’t know’ — they really don’t know!
You can help by:
- asking specific rather than broad questions. Instead of saying ‘How was your day?’ you could ask ‘So what was the best part of your day?’ or ‘What did your teacher think of your ideas for that project?’
- giving them a choice about the best time to catch up, like ‘Do you feel like talking about your day now or should we talk at dinner?’
- encouraging them to take the lead in conversations.
Changes in the brain happen gradually. They help young people to:
- think in more complex ways
- make decisions, solve problems, identify risks and plan ahead
- work out their own values, beliefs and views about the world.
As young people start to shape their own identity they may question ideas, authority and social norms. Try not to take it personally if they seem argumentative or rebellious. They are testing their thinking with people they feel safe with. The ability to see different points of view and show empathy takes time. You can help by modelling respectful ways to question different views and other people. If there is disrespect, calmly remind them of your family’s values and their own strengths. For example, ‘That seems harsh. You are usually kinder than that’.
Be patient with your young person. They are going through big changes and working out their own unique identity. You can expect strong feelings and some inconsistent attitudes and behaviours for a while.
Feelings
This stage of development can bring new, intense feelings that can change quickly. Sometimes young people might not know what they’re feeling or why. They may be easily offended or hurt and have a strong sense of justice (‘That’s not fair!’). Sometimes they need space and time to process feelings, or support to learn how to manage their feelings and behaviour. As they get older, they usually get better at identifying and expressing their feelings and respecting the feelings of others — they may need reminding along the way. It helps if they can see you managing your emotions.
Risk taking
Risk taking is a natural part of adolescent development. It can be positive (taking on a leadership role at school or sports) or negative (driving without a licence). Research shows the part of the brain dealing with impulse control, planning and decision making doesn’t fully mature until early adulthood. Young people are likely to seek excitement and new experiences, especially with friends. However, they don’t yet have the capacity to think about all the risks and how to keep safe. New experiences are important for learning and building skills and confidence, but they will need your help to think about safety and the outcome of their actions. For tips on how to support safe, wise decision-making see Parent Easy Guide ‘Guiding and supporting young people’.
Asking young people how they plan to keep safe and suggesting things they might not have thought of usually works better than telling them what to do.
What parents can do
The teenage years are a great opportunity to support your young person’s development and influence the type of adult they will become. Here are some strategies that can help.
- Stay emotionally connected (be warm and loving, spend relaxed time together, be easy to talk to and a good listener, reconnect after any upset).
- Model the behaviour you expect (self-discipline, respectful communication, healthy lifestyle, safe screen use).
- Provide structure and routine (school, homework, sleep, activities). Routines support their emotional health.
- Be consistent and dependable, expect participation at home (meals, celebrations, chores), encourage connections with broader family and trusted friends.
- Be clear about what you expect from your young person and why. Involve them in setting limits that help keep them safe and support their wellbeing.
- Respect their privacy at home (bedroom, diary, phone). Asking about safety plans without invading privacy supports independence and reduces risk. For example, ‘What are you going to do so I don’t need to worry?’.
- Be interested and actively involved in their online world (encourage a questioning attitude, make sure they’re aware of risks, safety measures and where to find reliable information. For example, the eSafety Commissioner).
- Welcome and get to know their friends. If there are friendship problems listen, help them think about possible solutions, try not to criticise.
For further information and strategies, see Parent Easy Guides ‘Guiding and supporting young people’ and ‘Setting limits with young people’.
Seeking help
If you have any concerns about your young person, it’s important to reach out early for help to family, friends, GP or youth service. You may also wish to read the Parent Easy Guide ‘Young people, emotions and wellbeing’.
Let young people know you are there for them, even in difficult times. This keeps you connected and provides the secure base they need. You are their best resource.
Looking after yourself
Parenting a young person can be both joyful and demanding. It’s important to take care of yourself.
- Acknowledge everything you do to support your young person. Be kind to yourself if you don’t always get things right. Keep on learning.
- Look after your own health and wellbeing. Take time to do things you enjoy. Young people will see you respect and value yourself.
Reach out for support when you need it. Sharing experiences with other parents can help too.