Setting limits with young people

Adolescence

The preteen and teenage years are a time of rapid and significant change in young people’s bodies, brains and emotions. For more information on this stage of development and strategies for supporting your young person, see Parent Easy Guides ‘Adolescent development’ and ‘Guiding and supporting young people’.

Setting limits

It’s normal for young people to seek greater freedom and new experiences and become more involved in decisions that affect them. However they will need your help to think about safety. The part of the brain responsible for controlling impulses and thinking through the outcome of decisions doesn’t mature until late adolescence. Setting limits helps young people manage risk-taking behaviours.  Having open conversations can help you explore safety and wellbeing options together and come to shared agreements. This helps keep your relationship strong and can be a win-win.

A close connection and good communication can help support your young person’s decision-making skills, mental health and overall wellbeing.

You could agree on:

• how they will be responsible for their chores
• how they will stay safe when out on their own, with friends or online
• whether girlfriends or boyfriends are allowed to sleep over
• the use of alcohol and drugs
• attending or hosting parties.

It can help to:

• talk about your family’s values and expectations, like safety, honesty, kindness, responsibility, respect, caring for each other
• make agreements when things are calm rather than in a crisis
• agree what is negotiable and what is not
• ask what would support them to meet agreed expectations.

Give them a chance to practise the behaviours you expect. Be prepared for mistakes. Acknowledge when they do meet expectations. For example, ‘It must have been hard to leave the party to get home on time, but you did it’.

Agreements can be renegotiated as young people get better at making their own decisions.

When young people feel listened to and that they have a say, they are more likely to work out ways to cooperate and meet expectations.

If agreed expectations are not met

At times young people may push limits and not meet expectations, even if they have agreed to do so.

It can help to:

• remember their brain is still developing
• stay calm, even if you feel frustrated or upset
• ask your young person to reflect on why they didn’t do what was agreed. Listen to their reasons. This helps them take responsibility for their actions and works better than judging, lecturing or punishing them. Remember your goal is to help them learn skills and work out solutions for themselves
• ask what they think could help them meet expectations next time
• come up with a new agreement together.

Be loving, firm and consistent as young people develop skills and learn responsibility. This may take time.

If there is conflict

Arguments and conflict can happen in families when young people start to express their own views and values and challenge limits and authority. They are developing their own sense of identity and may have opinions and values that differ from yours. Try not to take it personally.

You could:

• agree about respectful ways to have difficult conversations before problems arise
• stay calm regardless of how you may feel. Take a break if you need to and agree to talk later
• be curious about the cause of the conflict without making assumptions. For example, ‘What makes you think that way about this issue?’
• focus on current issues — don’t bring up old ones
• try not to react to negative comments
• admit when you’re wrong without making excuses
• avoid getting into a power struggle. Remember your goal is to role model what you expect of them as you help them learn responsibility.

While difficult conversations can be stressful they can also help bring you closer. You may come to understand your young person more deeply. It’s also a chance for them to practise managing strong feelings and problem solving in a difficult situation.

As young people get older, parents may have to accept they are making their own life choices. If they are not able to respect non-negotiable values and limits at home, like drug use, parents sometimes ask them to leave. If you consider this, be sure it is what you want. While young people need to accept the outcome of their choices, they also need somewhere safe to go. Try to understand what’s behind the behaviour, such as trauma, stress, peer influence. Consider which services or trusted adults may be able to support them.

If your young person comes into contact with the legal system give them moral support but avoid rescuing them, such as paying fines. This often results in the behaviour continuing.

Respectful relationships

While it is important for all family members to express how they feel, this always needs to be done in safe, respectful ways. No type of violence (physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, financial) is ever OK. If there is violence by a family member (adults, children or young people), the whole family needs support.

• Take steps to keep yourself and others safe.
• Make it clear any form of violence or abuse is unacceptable.
• Seek appropriate help straight away — it is rare for this to stop on its own.

For more information see Parent Easy Guides ‘Family violence’ and ‘Violence towards parents’.

Seeking help

If you have any concerns about your young person’s wellbeing (physical, emotional, mental, social), it’s important to act early and get help for them and for yourself. Reach out to trusted family, friends, your GP, a youth service.

Let young people know you are there for them, even in difficult times. This keeps you connected and provides the secure base they need. You are their best resource.

Looking after yourself

Parenting a young person can be joyful, exhausting, rewarding and stressful at times. It’s important to take care of yourself.

• Acknowledge everything you do to support them. Be kind to yourself if you don’t always get things right. Keep on learning.
• Look after your own health and wellbeing. Take time to do things you enjoy. Young people will see you respect and value yourself.
• Reach out for support when you need it. Sharing experiences with other parents can help too.