Family violence

What is family violence?

Family violence is any violent, threatening or controlling behaviour directed towards an intimate partner or family member. It can happen between couples of all ages whether dating, living together, married, separated or divorced. It happens between men and women as well as same sex couples. It can happen across different generations and between extended family members. It occurs regardless of income, education, culture or religion. Although most family violence is from men, women can use violence too. At times, young people can use violence towards parents and siblings – see Parent Easy Guide ‘Violence towards parents’.

Many people think family violence is about hitting. This is only part of it. Abuse or violence can be:

• physical: hurting you, your children or pets. It may include throwing things, hitting, kicking, pushing, shaking, strangulation, burning
• verbal: using put downs, insults, yelling, calling you names
• emotional: doing things to scare, worry or upset you such as threatening to harm or kill you, your children, other people or pets; constantly criticising and making you doubt yourself; damaging property; driving dangerously to scare you; excluding you from making decisions
• stalking: following you, constantly phoning or sending unwanted messages, trying to get others to locate you, turning up at your work or home if living separately
• isolation: stopping you from having a job, studying or contacting your family, friends or support; controlling your access to a phone or email
• sexual: rape or any enforced sexual behaviour
• financial: controlling the money, not letting you work or have money of your own, not providing enough for family needs
• technological: using mobile phones, email, social media to harass, stalk or impersonate you or share intimate photos without your consent; placing video cameras around the home or tracking devices on your phone or car to monitor or follow you
• cultural or spiritual: putting you down because of your beliefs, preventing you carrying out cultural or spiritual practices or forcing particular practices on you.

‘Coercive control’ is a term used to describe a pattern of abusive behaviours. These behaviours are intended to maintain control over another person and make them doubt themselves. It is almost always present in family violence, regardless of whether physical abuse is also occurring.

There is never any excuse for family violence. It is not OK in any community or culture.

When abuse happens

• Victims of abuse may blame themselves or ‘play down’ its effects on them.
• People who use violence tend to ‘play down’ their actions or pretend nothing has happened. They often blame the victim or others to justify the abuse or claim innocence. Drugs and alcohol can play a part, but they are never an excuse for violence.
• Children can think abuse and violence are a normal part of family life. They learn about relationships from seeing how adults behave, especially their parents. Television, movies and computer games often show abuse and violence too.

It’s normal to have disagreements and feel angry at times. However it’s possible to work through problems respectfully, without anyone being scared or hurt. When children see their parents doing this, they learn how to resolve conflict without violence or fear.

Why does it happen?

It might be hard to believe people could harm those they love. Family abuse involves the use of violence to intimidate, harm or control others. Things like stress, mental health, money worries, drugs or alcohol can play a part but do not cause violence and are never an excuse. While social factors, including community attitudes also play a role, violence is always the responsibility of the person who chooses to use it.

It is sometimes assumed people who use family violence can’t control themselves or manage their anger. However, they aren’t usually violent or controlling towards other people. They may be very likeable or intentionally give others a false impression of their character to keep their behaviour at home hidden.

Patterns of violence

Violence in families might be constant and include controlling behaviours to break down a person’s self-belief and limit what they can do. In some families there are ‘cycles of violence’ with regular ‘explosions’. Whatever the pattern, violence usually becomes more frequent and more serious over time. In most cases it doesn’t stop without help.

A ‘cycle’ of violence’ refers to times when tension builds, leading to a violent outburst. This is often followed by remorse and a promise that things will change, before the same pattern starts again. A ‘cycle’ can include the following phases.

Build up

The build up phase can last for weeks, days or only minutes before the person who uses violence explodes. They often start to get upset or angry at small things and begin to increase control over what their partner or family can say or do.

Explosion

An explosion can be an escalation of yelling, cruel language, threats, controlling behaviour or physical violence. This is a time of high risk for family members. They may experience intense fear, be physically injured and/or have to flee their home.

Feeling sorry

The person using violence may regret what they did and apologise. They may promise to change and beg forgiveness. They may also make excuses, deny or justify their behaviour by blaming you, stress, alcohol or drugs.

'False honeymoon' or 'false calm'

During this stage, things may seem better than they have for a long time. Periods of calm are temporary though. Unless the person using violence takes responsibility for changing their behaviour, the cycle will – sooner or later – repeat itself and the build up start again.

All family members have the right to feel safe. You are not to blame for someone else’s violence or abuse.

While someone may play down or deny their abusive or violent behaviour, there are lasting effects for the whole family.

Effects on parents

A person who is abused may experience:

• emotional distress – fear, anxiety, depression, constant worry, embarrassment, shame
• tension and fear – it can feel like ‘walking on eggshells’ the whole time
• reduced confidence – difficulty making decisions or feeling in control
• strained relationships – find it hard to connect with their partner and other family members
• social isolation – being cut off from friends, family and support networks
• financial stress – restricted access to money, employment and basic household needs
• health impacts – physical injuries, sleep problems, fatigue, stress-related concerns.

Fear, exhaustion and constant stress can make it more difficult for a parent to provide consistent, supportive care for children, particularly if the children are being used as a way to control the family.

Effects on children

All children and young people are affected by family violence, whether or not they directly see or hear the violence.

• Unborn children are affected by the stress, trauma or physical harm a mother may experience during pregnancy. Family violence affects a baby’s growing brain and normal development. It can potentially result in low birth weight or preterm birth.
• Infants and babies are particularly sensitive to a parent’s emotional state and exposure to violence. This can make secure attachment, feeding, sleep patterns and early emotional development more challenging.
• Toddlers and school-aged children may feel scared, anxious or confused. They can start wetting the bed again or have nightmares. Their behaviour may become aggressive or withdrawn. How they think and learn and relate to others can be affected. Family violence can make it harder to learn how to manage their own feelings and actions. They may also be affected by the stress and worry of people they love being hurt or upset.
• Teenagers may experience emotional distress, difficulty trusting others and challenges at school. Some may feel responsible for stopping the violence or protecting family members. Others may withdraw, engage in risky behaviour or seek a sense of belonging outside home.

At every age, children exposed to family violence are at risk of long-term mental health, social and developmental problems.

Child abuse and neglect

Children who grow up with family violence are more likely to experience other forms of child abuse and neglect. The person who uses violence may try to damage their bond with the other parent. Fear, tiredness and ongoing stress can make it harder for that parent to meet children’s needs for consistent and caring support. Children may see or hear the violence or be affected by the disruption to family life. They may be accidentally hurt during violent outbursts, or on purpose to distress the other parent.

Some families hit children to discipline them. Hitting does not teach children how to behave. What works best is to show them the behaviour you expect, give them opportunities to practise and be patient while they learn. This helps children to develop self-discipline, an important life skill.

Children cannot protect themselves as well as adults. Physical touch should always feel safe, caring and predictable. Hitting a child, especially when a parent is angry can easily cross the line and become abuse. In South Australia, harsh punishment of children is child abuse and is against the law.

If violence is happening in your home, help and support is available.

What can you do?

If you are being abused

• Remember you are not to blame. There is no excuse for family violence. It’s never okay for someone to hurt you or your children.
• Talk to a service specialising in domestic violence, eg 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732). They can help you explore possible options and what will work best for you and your children.
• Build a support team (family, friends, services) and make a safety plan outlining what you will do if there is violence; this could include a checklist of things you will need if you leave home and information about where and how you and your children will get to safety.
• Give children important phone numbers, eg the police, a trusted neighbour or family member; help them practise what to say or text.
• Consider an Intervention Order to stop the person contacting or threatening you or coming to your home or work. You can phone or visit your local police station and ask to speak with the Family Violence Investigation Service to discuss the options.

You and your children have a right to safety. If anyone is in immediate danger phone the police on 000 (triple zero).

How to help your children

The most useful thing parents can do is to help children feel safe, reassured and supported.

Safety first

• Call 000 (triple zero) if you or anyone in your family are in immediate danger.
• Have a safety plan (how to leave quickly if needed, where to go, who to call). Involve children in this.

Reassure children

Some things you could say are:

• ‘It’s not your fault. You are not to blame.’
• ‘It’s never okay to hurt or scare anyone in the family.’
• ‘I love you. It’s my job to keep you safe and I’m working on that.'
• ‘You can always talk to me about how you are feeling. It’s okay to feel sad, worried or angry.’
• ‘There are people who can help us and I’m asking them for support.'

Maintain routines and connection

• Familiar routines (school, meals, bedtime) give children a sense of normality and stability.
• Spend time doing safe, enjoyable activities together (playing, drawing, cooking, listening to music) to rebuild trust and comfort.
• Try and link them with other trusted adults for support.

Get professional support

• Contact local domestic and family violence services – many provide child-specific counselling and safe accommodation.
• Schools and child health services can link children with counselling or wellbeing support.
• Services like 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) can help you develop a safety plan and suggest safe ways to support children and access help.

Model healthy coping

• Show them it’s okay to talk about feelings and ask for help.
• If you can, get counselling for yourself – caring for your wellbeing makes it easier to support your children.

Family violence rarely goes away without help. It often gets worse unless the person using violence changes their thinking and how they behave. Abusive behaviours are against the law.

Family violence can be terrifying, lonely and exhausting. It takes strength to cope with a partner or family member whose behaviour is violent and controlling. Acknowledge everything you have done to survive and protect your children. You do not have to do this alone. Reach out to trusted family, friends, services for help to work out the safest options for your family.