Violence towards parents

Adolescent family violence

Adolescent family violence is when a child or young person uses aggressive, controlling or harmful behaviour towards a parent, guardian or other family member. All families have disagreements and arguments from time to time. When a young person’s behaviour becomes harmful or unsafe, it moves beyond everyday family conflict and can have a serious impact on the whole family. Parents and other family members may feel frightened, hurt, confused or isolated. You might find yourself changing your behaviour or ‘tip-toeing’ around them to avoid the abuse.

While adolescent boys are more likely to use aggressive or violent behaviour, particularly towards mothers in single-parent families, girls can also use violence.

A young person may:

• swear or call you names
• yell, push, hit, spit or kick
• stand over you to get what they want
• throw or break things
• hurt pets or damage property, eg punch holes in walls
• steal money, run up debts without your permission or demand things you can't afford
• threaten to run away or harm themselves if they don’t get what they want
• threaten you with weapons.

Violence towards parents is often not talked about. Parents can feel embarrassed, isolated and as if they have lost control in their own home.

Adolescent family violence can happen in families of any culture, religion, socio-economic status or background. It is never OK. Reaching out for support can help families move towards safety, healing and healthier ways of relating to each other.

Why does it happen?

Young people can use hurtful or aggressive behaviour for many reasons. They may be:

• emotionally distressed themselves
• feeling overwhelmed, confused, frightened
• experiencing intense feelings or unmet emotional needs
• dealing with stress, trauma or challenges they don’t yet have the skills to manage safely
• attempting to regain a sense of control or safety.

Most young people who use violence towards parents are in need of therapeutic support and healing. They may be:

• victims of violence or abuse themselves
• impacted by social pressures, drug use or unmanaged mental illness.

This behaviour may have been learned through traumatic experiences such as witnessing domestic abuse, gender-based violence or attempts to gain power and control. It can be to do with stress associated with family dysfunction. It can happen when a young person does not yet know how to communicate difficult emotions safely.

Young people with a disability may use aggression or violence if they are frustrated, have trouble expressing their feelings or communicating with others. They may find it hard to control their impulses. If this sounds like your situation, you may be eligible for support through the NDIS or other community services.

Whatever the situation in your home, getting support is the best thing you can do for your family.

Violence towards parents or other family members affects the whole family. Reaching out for help is the first step towards safety, healing and positive change.

What can you do?

Prioritise safety

Your safety and the safety of other family members is the main priority.

• If anyone is in immediate danger, call 000 and request urgent police attendance.
• Create a simple safety plan when things are calm – include things like where the safe spaces at home are and the safest ways to reach them, the best ways to leave the property, who you will call, where you can go and what you need to have handy (phone, purse/wallet, keys). You can view safety plan check lists or call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) to speak directly with a counsellor who can help.
• Trust your instincts – if a situation feels unsafe, remove yourself and/or others to safety as soon as possible.

Know the triggers

Notice what happens before your young person becomes aggressive or abusive. They might lash out when they are stressed or frustrated, under the influence of alcohol or drugs or when there is conflict.

• What are the warning signs that the tension is building? When these signs are present, act early and take space from each other. If you need to leave the house take other children to keep them safe.
• If violence or abuse is out of character, think about what else may have happened or changed. Have they had contact with anyone new? Have there been other changes in the family or upsets with friends?

Set clear, consistent boundaries

Children and young people need boundaries to feel safe, supported and to know what is expected of them. As young people mature, limits need to be adjusted so they can become more independent.

When you and your young person are both calm and relaxed, it helps to:

• agree on 'house rules' which work for everyone. Be clear about what things they can decide for themselves, what things you will decide and what are family decisions
• talk about what behaviours are OK and what are not. Let them know what will happen if they become violent or dangerous. Boundaries should be clear and caring, focusing on safety rather than punishment.

Stay connected

While the behaviour must be addressed, staying emotionally connected with your young person will help them make long-term, positive change.

• Let them know they are loved, even when their behaviour is not OK.
• Encourage them to communicate, express how they feel and practise problem solving.
• Point out their positive qualities and any respectful behaviour.
• Show them how to safely manage big emotions when you feel overwhelmed. This helps them learn how to do it.

Reach out for support early

It’s important to remember you do not have to deal with violent or abusive behaviour alone.

• Talk to a trusted friend, family member, GP or school wellbeing staff. You can request support from one of the  Family support programs in your area.
• Family therapists or psychologists can help young people work through any trauma, stress or difficulties coping. They can respond to the emotions underneath the behaviour and help rebuild family relationships.
• If the young person does not want to engage with services, it is still important you get professional support to help manage the situation and create safety.
• Specialist family violence services can provide practical guidance, emotional support, safety planning and more – see services listed at the end of this Guide.

Often young people find it easier to accept advice from someone who is not part of the family. Professionals such as family therapists or psychologists are neutral and can provide a safe, confidential space.

Getting police help

It’s OK if you need police involvement to create safety in your home. Whilst deciding to call the police can be hard, it will help to let your young person know you love them, you want a caring and respectful relationship and you need help with this. It’s not a punishment. It’s a response to create safety, reset the power imbalance and rebuild relationships.

It may help to know in South Australia children aged 10 years and younger cannot be charged with a criminal offence. For young people of any age the police, youth court and family conferences usually prefer programs that focus on guidance rather than punishment. This can support young people to work out what is going on for them and learn healthier ways to relate to others.

If you are worried about safety at home but concerned about what police intervention may look like, it can help to give police a call on 131 444 to make an informed decision. They can advise you of your options and the likely outcome of any actions.

Looking after yourself

Making change can be challenging and sometimes things can feel harder at first. This is a normal part of the process so it helps to have a support network. It can also help to:

• believe in yourself – you have the right to feel safe in your own home. The violence or abuse is not your fault and not safe for you or other family members
• recognise everything you are doing to create a safer, healthier family environment and the courage this takes; acknowledge positive changes, no matter how small
• find ways to manage stress – gentle activities like walking, meeting a friend or doing something you enjoy can help restore calm and balance
• connect with others. Joining a parent support group or speaking with a family violence counsellor can reduce isolation and provide guidance. You can contact 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) for free and confidential support.