Guiding and supporting young people

Young people

During the preteen and teenage years young people’s bodies, thinking and emotions undergo significant change. Their ‘brain wiring’ changes and they have a strong need to experience new things and be accepted by peers. Many achieve new milestones such as learning to drive, getting a job or starting a relationship. It can be rewarding for parents/caregivers to see them becoming their own person, bringing new ideas and enthusiasm into the family and applying the positive values they have learned. There can be challenges too as young people and their families adjust to the changes.

Young people are:

• becoming more aware of their body/appearance
• working out their values and unique identity
• practising making decisions for themselves
• learning to manage their emotions and behaviour
• learning about relationships
• exploring sexuality and gender.

They are also:

• learning new things and finding out what they’re good at
• working out what they want in their future
• navigating the online world.

Sometimes young people can feel unsure of themselves, despite a ‘grown-up’ attitude. They want new freedoms and experiences but still need the security of their family.

A strong connection and good communication are key to supporting your young person.

Adolescence development

For information on the significant changes experienced during adolescence and strategies to support your young person, see Parent Easy Guide ‘Adolescent development’.

Risk taking

While the physical changes of adolescence (growth spurts, bodily changes, sexual development) are usually complete by around ages 15 to 17, young people’s thinking and emotions take longer to mature. Taking risks and trying out new things is a natural part of their development. New experiences can help them learn and gain skills and confidence. However until their capacity for more complex thinking fully develops, they will need your help to think about safety and the outcome of their actions.

Here are some ways to support your young person to make safe, wise choices.

• Stay connected — find ways to help them feel seen, heard and valued. Show you trust them.
• Tell them often you love them no matter what.
• Let them know what you expect of them and why these things are important to you. Ask how you can support them to meet your expectations.
• Show you have faith in them, remind them of their strengths and acknowledge the times they make positive choices.
• Encourage reflection on their thinking, reasons and likely outcomes when making a decision. Let them know they are responsible for their choices and actions.
• If you think a decision is unwise, be curious about why they made that choice. Discuss what other choices they could make.
• Let them know they can call you if they are ever in danger or need help. You could agree on a ‘no questions asked’ code word or phrase. If they do use this, let them know you are happy to listen when they are ready to talk.

Asking young people how they plan to keep safe and suggesting things they might not have thought of usually works better than telling them what to do.

Friends and social groups

Having friends and being accepted by peers and social groups is very important to young people.

• They have a strong need to ‘be the same’, ‘fit in’ and feel they belong.
• Friendships help them gain social skills, share ideas and work out their values and identity.
• They often want to spend more time with friends than family, including online. They can start to turn to friends for advice and support.
• The ‘ups and downs’ of friendships can have a big impact on them.

You can help by getting to know their friends and making them welcome in your home or at social events. If there are problems with friendships, you could listen and help them think about their values and possible solutions. If you are concerned about any of their friends, try not to criticise. You could ask questions that help them think about the friend’s actions, such as, ‘Why do you think Nathan gets into so much trouble? What might happen to his apprenticeship plans if he keeps missing school?’

What else can parents do?

Be a positive role model

It’s important to behave in ways you expect of your young person. They are much less likely to follow your advice or ideas if they see you doing the ‘wrong’ thing yourself.

• Show them it’s possible to manage big feelings by staying calm, even when upset. Take a deep breath or a break if you need to.
• Speak respectfully — don’t yell, name-call, lecture, embarrass or shame them. Expect their respect in return.
• Model self-care and healthy, safe behaviours (exercise, diet, alcohol, screens).
• Admit when you don’t get things right without making excuses.

Provide a secure base

Your young person is becoming more independent but still needs the security of parents, family and home.

• Be dependable and consistent so they know what to expect.
• Provide structure and routine around things like school, homework, screens, sleep. This supports their emotional health.
• Expect their participation in the family, such as meals, celebrations, traditions, chores.
• Encourage involvement with the broader family and trusted friends. This can help them feel they belong and provide a safety net of caring adults to talk to.

Your affection, care and encouragement are still often appreciated, even if young people don’t say so.

Regular family mealtimes without TV or electronic devices can provide a sense of connection for your young person and the whole family.

Stay connected

All young people need to know they matter and are loved for who they are. Even though the parent/child relationship is different than when they were younger, a strong connection remains important.

• Be warm and loving and show you enjoy being with them — have fun together.
• Be relaxed and easy to talk to — take opportunities to talk. They can find it easier if they don’t have to have direct eye contact. For example, in the car, on a walk, sharing tasks.
• Spend regular time together — show an interest in things that interest them. Celebrate their achievements no matter how small.
• Give them your full attention when they want to talk — they will know they can come to you when they need to.
• Be a good listener even if their views differ from yours.

Young people are more likely to confide in you if they know you will listen and not react with emotion or jump in with advice, however well intended.

• Acknowledge how they feel and ask what might help. For example, ‘I can see you’re really upset about that. Is there anything I can do to support you?’.
• Show you understand what they’re going through. For example, ‘That must be really tough’. Keep the focus on them and their experiences. Avoid saying things like ‘Don’t worry’, ‘This will pass’ or ‘When I was your age…’.
• Be open to talking about sensitive topics. For example, relationships, sexuality, gender, sex, drugs and alcohol.
• Reconnect if there have been upsets, anger or harsh words — work out how to do this together but don’t wait for them to come to you.

For more ideas on staying connected see Parent Easy Guide ‘Families that work well’.

If your young person doesn’t want to talk or finds it hard to talk about some issues, don’t push them. Let them know they can come to you about anything. If you don’t know how to help, support them to find reliable information or other trusted adults to talk to. Young people often get information from their peers or online and it may not be accurate.

If there has been trauma, bullying or discrimination young people may need additional support.

Encourage online safety

Screen technology can play a positive role in how young people learn, socialise and have fun. There are also real risks.

You can help them stay safe by:

• being interested and actively involved in their digital world
• encouraging critical thinking, such as, ‘how realistic do you think those body images/ ‘perfect lives’ are?’
• making sure they know how to stay safe and where to find reliable information, like the eSafety Commissioner
• not enabling access to platforms outside recommended or legal guidelines
• supporting them to develop social and emotional skills and positive relationships
• encouraging a healthy balance between online and offline activities.

For more information see Parent Easy Guides ‘Cyber safety’ , 'Cyber safety in Easy Read' and ‘Safe screen use’.

A good question to ask when talking about safety is ‘What are you going to do to make sure I don’t need to worry?’

Respect privacy

It’s usual for young people to want private time, ‘space’ and even some secrets from parents. It’s part of working out their identity and forming their own values and views.

• Ask before entering their personal space, like a bedroom.
• Avoid breaking trust by going through their diary, phone or personal things. If you want to know something it’s best to ask.
• Ask enough without prying to be sure of their safety. For example, where they will be when not at home, who they will be with, how they are staying safe online.

Inspire young people to achieve their best

Young people need to believe in themselves and see future possibilities and goals they can aspire to.

• Show confidence in them and expect them to do well.
• Encourage what they are good at and what they love to do. Let them teach you things.
• Introduce them to new ideas and experiences.
• Connect them with trusted others who can expand their networks and experiences.
• Praise effort rather than ability. For example, ‘I see how hard you worked on that project’ rather than ‘You are really clever’.

Help your young person follow their interests and dreams. Talk about what these are and ways they might achieve them.

Build responsibility and self-discipline

Young people need to learn to do things for themselves and make decisions that keep them and others safe.

• Provide opportunities to make their own decisions.
• Help them learn from mistakes rather than telling them what to do or punishing them.
• Avoid doing things they can do for themselves.
• Provide opportunities to practise routine adult responsibilities, such as chores, cooking, paying for things they really want.
• Allow them to experience natural outcomes of their actions, like failing a test if they didn’t prepare for it.

Supporting young people also involves parents having clear expectations that help keep them safe and support their wellbeing. For information and strategies on how to encourage their cooperation, see Parent Easy Guide ‘Setting limits with young people’.

Seeking help

Sometimes young people get involved with things that can cause harm, like alcohol, drugs, unsafe sexual behaviour. They may struggle with emotions and feel anxious or unhappy a lot of the time, or withdraw from family and friends — see Parent Easy Guide ‘Young people, emotions and wellbeing’. If you have any concerns about your young person it’s important to reach out early for help to trusted family or friends, GP, youth service.

Let your young person know you are there for them, even in difficult times. This keeps you connected and provides the secure base they need. You are their best resource.

Looking after yourself

Parenting a young person is important work. It can be joyful, demanding, rewarding, exhausting at times. Taking care of your own health and wellbeing provides an important balance and shows young people you respect and value yourself.

• Acknowledge everything you do to support your young person. Be kind to yourself if you don’t always get things right. Keep on learning.
• Take time to do things that relax and energise you.
• Reach out for support when you need it. Sharing experiences with other parents can help too.