Most parents want loving, respectful relationships with their family. At times family life can be challenging, especially when there is also stress, strong emotions, relationship issues or past experiences of trauma. If you respond to difficulties by using hurtful, frightening, controlling or violent behaviour, this harms your whole family. The impact on children can be long lasting.
The good news is that by recognising the impact of your behaviour and learning new ways to respond, you can take positive steps towards creating a safer, more respectful, supportive family environment.
On this page:
Is my behaviour causing harm?
Family violence is any behaviour that makes a partner, child or family member feel afraid, unsafe or controlled. It is not just physical violence. It can also include shouting, threats, put-downs, controlling money, isolating someone from family and friends or trying to control what they do.
Children are affected by violence in families, even when it’s not directed at them. Seeing, hearing or living with violence can affect their wellbeing, safety and relationships.
Taking time to think honestly about your behaviour can be an important first step towards change. You might ask yourself:
- Have I ever felt concerned about the way I behave at home?
- Have I ever scared, threatened or hurt a family member when I was angry or upset?
- Do my children seem afraid of me?
- Have my actions hurt the people I love most?
- Do I want better relationships with my children and family?
If any of these questions make you uncomfortable, you are not alone. Many parents find it difficult to acknowledge or recognise their behaviour may be causing harm.
Recognising there is a problem does not mean you are a bad parent. It means you are willing to reflect and consider doing things differently.
The impact of violence
At all ages, children living with family violence are at risk of long-term mental health, developmental and social difficulties.
- Unborn children are affected by the stress, trauma, and/or physical harm a mother may experience during pregnancy. Family violence can result in preterm birth, low birth weight or developmental concerns.
- Infants and babies are particularly sensitive to a parent’s emotional state and exposure to violence. While they may not be able to understand what you're saying, they are highly attuned to the tone of conversations and any family tension. Loud voices, slamming doors or seeing a parent upset or hurt affects them deeply. Their bodies respond to stress – their heart rate increases, they may struggle to settle or sleep, cry more or in some cases become passive.
- Toddlers and school-aged children may feel scared, anxious, or confused and can become aggressive or withdrawn. They can start wetting the bed again or have nightmares. They might copy aggressive behaviour with toys or other children.
- Teenagers may experience emotional distress, difficulty trusting others and challenges at school. They may resent or reject you; they may feel responsible for stopping your behaviour or protecting their other parent and siblings. Some might withdraw, engage in risky behaviour or seek safety or a sense of belonging elsewhere.
Living with violence also deeply affects your partner’s wellbeing. Your behaviour can cause fear, loss of confidence, physical and mental health problems and a feeling of being trapped. Many partners are also left to protect children from witnessing or experiencing the violence.
If your behaviour makes your partner feel unsafe, this can also make it harder to be the parent they want to be. The stress of violence takes energy and focus away from everyday family life and what children need to develop and thrive.
In a healthy relationship parents treat each other as equals. They should be able to have different points of view or concerns and feel comfortable discussing them without fear of violence.
Ways to manage stress
When stress builds up, it can be harder to stay calm and respond to challenges in helpful ways. Learning to recognise stress and manage it early can make a big difference for you and your family.
- Take a break when difficult emotions arise. If you feel angry or overwhelmed move to a safe place, take some slow breaths and give yourself time to calm down before responding.
- Notice your warning signs. You might feel tension in your body, speak more loudly, clench your fists or become impatient. Recognising these signs early can help you take steps to manage strong feelings before things escalate.
- Look after your physical health. Getting enough sleep, eating regular meals and being physically active can help you cope better with stress.
- Talk to someone you trust. Sharing your worries with a friend, family member or support worker can help you feel less alone and see things more clearly.
- Make time for relaxing activities that help reduce stress, eg walking, swimming, listening to music, gardening, spending time in nature.
- Consider if your use of alcohol or other drugs may be affecting your emotional wellbeing and daily life. Seek support if you would like assistance to reduce or stop your use.
Rebuilding trust
When violence, threats or controlling behaviour have been part of family life, it can take time to rebuild trust. Consistently changing your behaviour over time is key to restoring trust. Here are some ways to help do this.
- Avoid blaming your partner, children, stress, alcohol, drugs or other circumstances. Acknowledge the harm your behaviour has caused.
- Show through your everyday actions that you are working to behave differently.
- Learn strategies to cope with anger, frustration and stress without blaming, threatening or controlling others. Professional support can help with this.
- Focus on creating safety. Let family members decide what will help them feel safe and comfortable. Allow the time they need for this.
- If family members talk about how your behaviour has affected them, try to listen and understand even if it is difficult to hear.
- Follow through on commitments and behave respectfully over time.
- Speak calmly, listen to their opinions and treat your family with kindness and consideration.
- Respect their feelings and let them know how they feel is important.
- Seek support when needed.
Every time you respond calmly, keep a promise, listen respectfully or help your child feel safe, you are strengthening your relationships.
Change takes time, effort and honesty. It can be easier to stay focused and committed if you think about why you would like to change your behaviour. Is it to create a safer, more stable home environment, rebuild trust with your partner and children, feel better about yourself and the way you behave, or perhaps some other reason?
Seeking help
If you are concerned about your behaviour, reaching out for support is an important step. It shows you are taking responsibility and committed to your family’s safety and wellbeing.
Working with a counsellor, behaviour change program or other professional service can help you:
- understand what triggers your behaviour
- recognise early warning signs of anger, stress or frustration
- learn healthier ways to manage strong emotions
- develop respectful ways to respond during conflict
- build stronger relationships with your children and family.
Every step towards safer and more respectful behaviour can have a positive impact on you and your family.