Peer influence - Parent Easy Guide
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Peer groups are important for young people as they prepare for the adult world. They help them learn how to get along with others, work out their own values and identity and develop skills towards independence.
Parents can help young people form positive peer groups and resist negative peer influence. This involves supporting children from a young age to understand the values that are important in your family, make their own decisions and build self-esteem.
Why are peer groups important?
Belonging to peer groups can be very positive for young people. It helps them:
- learn to communicate with people their own age
- make new friends with similar interests
- broaden their thinking with peers from different backgrounds
- develop a sense of belonging
- feel understood by others going through similar experiences
- test out their ideas, values and boundaries
- decide what they like by trying out different things, eg dress styles, music choices, activities
- become more confident as they experience new things
- practise making choices and trusting their own judgement
- learn about relationships
- prepare for independence.
Things you might worry about
Losing your influence
It’s a normal part of adolescence for young people to seek the views and advice of peers rather than parents, particularly for things that are sensitive or embarrassing. If you are used to your children coming to you for advice, it may seem they no longer value your views. This could feel hurtful or worrying and you may find yourself wanting to try harder to influence them. If they know you will listen without judgement and help them work out their own solutions, they are more likely to share what is going on for them.
Risk-taking
The teenage brain is ‘hard-wired’ for risk. It prompts young people to experience things for themselves as they prepare to become independent adults. While involvement in peer groups can sometimes result in negative risk-taking, it can also bring positive new experiences.
These positive risks help build confidence and expand a young person’s skills and interests. For example, a peer group may have high expectations about doing well at school, showing leadership or being active and healthy. They might take up a new activity such as indoor rock climbing, or form a band and perform in front of their peers. When parents encourage and provide opportunities for positive risk-taking, young people have less need to take negative risks.
Parents are the most important influence in children's lives, even in adolescence. A strong, loving relationship and staying connected can help protect your young person from negative peer influence.
Negative influence
Parents often worry about the negative influence of peer groups, particularly when it comes to risky behaviour such as drinking or drug taking. Peer groups don’t usually force or directly pressure someone to do something against their will. It is more often about a young person choosing to do something because they want to be accepted by the group, to belong and feel valued. When young people have good self-esteem they are more likely to resist negative peer influence.
Teens not saying 'no'
Even adults who have more experience and confidence find it hard to go against their peers. Studies show only one in three adults speak out when they are unhappy with something in their peer group. The bigger the peer group, the harder it is for a young person to do something different from the others. They are more able to say ‘No’ if they are confident in making their own decisions and know their limits, eg when something is ‘going too far’ for them.
Practising saying ‘No’ can make it easier when faced with a situation that doesn’t feel right. You can help your young person come up with ways they might respond. Some options could include:
- making a joke about the situation, eg ‘You’re kidding! My coach can smell vapes a mile away’
- suggesting things they’re more comfortable with, eg ‘Let’s check out that new music shop’
- blaming you - ‘My parents are waiting for the car so they can go out’
- giving a reason - ‘I don’t vape because I need to stay fit for each match’ or ‘It makes my asthma worse’
- messaging you a coded word you have worked out together that lets you know they need an excuse to leave
- noticing other peers who also say no and spending more time with them.
They can practise saying ‘No’ firmly and clearly, eg ‘No thanks. That’s not for me'. It can be helpful for young people to see how you say ‘No’ when you don’t want to do something.
Your family values being lost
Through the teenage years young people are exploring the values of peers and role models as well as developing them from their own independent thinking. For a while it may seem they’ve thrown out the important values you taught them, but they’re really just testing out different values.
Young people will form their own individual identity and take on values from everything they have learned.
What you can do
When parents are involved and interested, when they stay tuned in and emotionally connected, young people tend to make better choices.
It can help to:
- start early to help children understand the values that are important in your family
- model your shared values. Young people will be watching to see how you live your family’s values. This might include respectfully speaking and listening to others, being kind, accepting differences
- encourage them to make day-to-day decisions at each stage of their development and to think about the outcomes of their actions as they get older
- support them to develop friendship skills, eg communication, sharing and taking turns, empathy, flexibility, considering others’ point of view, self-control and ‘making up’ when things go wrong. It is also important to help them choose friends who share their interests and are supportive rather than because they are popular
- be a good role model. Young people are more likely to take harmful risks if they see their parents doing this. They will copy what you do rather than do what you say
- talk often. Be interested in what they do both on and offline. Try to see the world through their eyes - ask questions and really listen to what they say, don’t interrupt to give advice
- spend time together just to have fun and enjoy them. They are more likely to engage when you are doing something together
- strengthen their self-esteem and belief in themselves by praising effort rather than results, eg when they get a good school report you could say ‘You worked really hard to get those grades’ rather than ‘You’re so clever’. Believing in themselves helps young people form positive peer groups and be true to themselves when there is negative influence
- encourage them to develop a wide social network by spending time with different people and groups
- be a sounding board for their worries about friends and peers. Problem-solve together - offer suggestions and discuss choice outcomes but leave the decision up to them.
Maintaining a strong connection with your young person helps them feel seen, heard and valued. They are less likely to do things just to be part of the crowd.
Other strategies include:
- supporting their goals. Having something they’re working towards, eg sports, study, creative activities can help young people resist pressure to take harmful risks
- talking with them about the pressure they might feel to fit in with a group. How do they think they would respond if they don’t want to do something? If someone else in their group feels like they do, could they back each other up?
- making sure they have access to accurate information about things like safe sex, consent, drugs and alcohol, sexuality and gender. Rely on facts from trusted websites and try not to show judgement
- being open to discussing any issue, no matter how sensitive. This can balance information provided by a peer group. Try to give accurate information without lecturing
- developing rules about safe and appropriate mobile phone and social media use. Young people are more likely to follow these if they’ve had a say in them and if parents/caregivers follow them too
- helping them question how realistic social media portrayals of people’s ‘picture-perfect’ lives’ are. This can make it easier for young people to resist comparing themselves with others and trying to keep up
- getting to know the friends and groups that are important to them. Invite them over so they become familiar with you and your family. Get to know their parents too if you can - this can sometimes help with setting shared rules, eg around alcohol at parties.
Help children and young people understand that self-worth comes from the inside rather than from ‘things’, achievements or the opinions of others. Encourage reflection on what they like about themselves, what they see as their strengths and abilities.
If you are worried about a peer group
You may not be comfortable with your young person’s choice of peer groups. This may be because their behaviour changes after talking with online friends or a group uses alcohol or drugs, misses school, shoplifts or vandalises property. Some parents try to enforce rules and monitor activities to stop their child mixing with the ‘wrong crowd’. This can risk them lying to you or becoming more determined to be part of the group.
It can help to:
- try to get perspective on your concerns about their friends. Don’t get caught up in minor things such as how they dress
- talk to your young person about the behaviour in the group that worries you rather than criticising their friends. This is like criticising them and you are likely to lose some of your influence. Help them think about potential consequences of the behaviour and how this might affect their future, eg negative images on social media
- keep communicating even if you disagree. Be willing to listen rather than tell them what to do. Help them problem-solve if there are difficulties
- show you trust them. If they break this, ask them to suggest ways they could rebuild it. Don’t dwell on their error of judgement - we all make the wrong decision at times. It is more important to help them learn from their mistakes. Let them know they can talk things through at any time, it doesn’t have to be straightaway
- have an agreement that if they are feeling unsafe and need to get out of a situation immediately, eg if there is drug taking, antisocial behaviour or sexual pressure they can call you and use a code word for ‘no-questions-asked’ help. This makes it more likely they will contact you when they need to rather than staying in a dangerous situation. If they ever do call try to stay calm, don’t criticise and let them know you are willing to listen if they want to talk.
Getting help
If you are worried about negative peer influence you could:
- help your young person find groups with similar interests, eg hobby clubs
- encourage them to talk with another safe adult such as a relative, family friend or counsellor if they don’t want to talk with you. Various services can also assist, eg Kids Helpline, Headspace, ReachOut. You could help them find trusted mentors who can expand their horizons and introduce them to new experiences
- talk to someone who can help, eg your doctor, health professional or counsellor. Services in this Guide are also good places to find information and support. It’s important you feel supported too.
Contact
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Last published: 28 May 2025 11:27am
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