Learning to use the toilet - Parent Easy Guide
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Parenting SA
Note: The term ‘Parents’ in this Guide refers to anyone caring for and/or raising children and young people, eg parents, caregivers, step-parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, guardians, foster or kinship carers.
Learning to use the toilet is an important milestone for toddlers. It is a big step as they learn to understand their body’s signals and start to be responsible for their own bodies.
Each child is different. Some seem to almost train themselves while others need some help. The most important thing is that they are ready and you are relaxed and patient. Children respond best to praise and encouragement when learning this new skill.
What is the best way?
It used to be common for parents to decide the right time for their child to learn to use the toilet. However what seems to work best is for parents to follow the child’s lead and watch for signs they are ready.
Many children follow the same steps when learning to use the toilet, but each will learn at their own pace. This is because children have different temperaments, ways of learning and family situations. Some cultures may also have different ways of learning this skill.
Are they ready?
Many children start to show their readiness and the physical maturity needed to learn this skill between 18 months and 3 years. This is also a time when they are starting to want more independence.
Some signs they are ready are your child’s ability to:
- copy your behaviour and follow simple instructions
- use words or signs for wee and poo, and show an interest in others using the toilet. They may ask to use it too
- pull their pants up and down
- stay dry for 2 hours or more in the day. This shows they have developed to the point where they can ‘hold on’ a little rather than their bladder just emptying itself when full like babies and younger toddlers
- tell you they have just done a wee or poo in their nappy, or when their bladder or bowel is full
- walk and they can sit for short periods of time.
Other signs include:
- having regular, firm bowel motions
- not wanting to wear nappies, or showing interest in ‘big boy’ or ‘big girl’ undies
- trying to pull off wet or dirty nappies or asking to be changed.
Your child doesn’t need to show all these signs but it does help to wait until they show some.
Signs your child is ready to learn to use the toilet are more important than their age. It is a big step in their development and can’t be rushed.
Learning to use the toilet works best in a relaxed and supportive environment. Try to make it as easy and fun as possible. Avoid starting when your child is coping with other big changes.
How long will it take?
There are many steps in learning how and when to go to the toilet. It takes time to put them all together. Some children learn within 3 to 4 weeks while for others it may be a few days. Quite often girls learn earlier than boys, but this is not always the case. If your child is not making progress after about 4 weeks they may not be ready. Wait a few weeks and try again.
Don’t feel pressured to start too early. It takes longer if your child is not ready.
What about becoming dry at night?
Becoming dry at night takes longer because it’s not something your child can learn to control like day-time toileting. Sleeping children don’t have any control over when their bladder empties. It’s not something they can stop by ‘trying hard’. The ‘link’ between the brain and bladder needs to develop so the brain can ‘tell’ the bladder not to empty. This happens at different ages. Genes are also involved — if members of your family or your partner’s family wet the bed later than others, your child might too.
Often children become dry at night by about age 3. Most are dry by age 5 and some wet until 6 or 7, or even older. Many pre-schoolers have accidents from time to time and over 10 per cent of junior primary school children still wet the bed.
It’s important not to criticise or tease your child about wetting the bed or talk about it with others in front of them. While older children can help by putting sheets in the laundry basket, getting young children to wash their bedding can feel like a punishment.
Getting ready for toilet training
Make sure everyone who looks after your child knows what you are doing to help them learn to use the toilet, including child care staff. It helps to be consistent. You could also:
- read a toileting book or watch a video with your child. This helps them learn in a fun way that it’s normal for everyone to wee and poo
- let your child go with you to the toilet and talk about what you are doing, if you feel OK doing this. Understanding what the toilet is for is the first step in learning how to use it
- teach your child the words needed for learning, like wet, dry, wee, poo, it’s coming. Choose words you are comfortable with
- make sure the toilet area is safe. Keep household cleaners and toiletries out of reach
- dress your child in clothing that is easy for them to get on and off, and easy to wash. Learning to use the toilet can be easier in warmer weather because there are less clothes to remove in a hurry
- learn your child’s cues so you can be ready to guide them to the toilet in time. Have the potty or toilet set up ready to avoid accidents.
Potty or toilet?
You will need to decide whether to start by using a potty or the toilet. Many parents use both. It helps to find out which one your child prefers by having both ready.
Toilet
If using the toilet, you will need a toddler toilet seat with a smaller hole that fits inside the big toilet seat. You will also need a step they can climb up on by themselves and rest their feet on while sitting. They need to feel safe and relaxed to be able to let the wee or poo out.
Some toddlers are afraid of being flushed down the toilet, even with the toddler seat in place. Even though you might want them to use the toilet using a potty may be easier for them. Letting them flush the toilet and watch what happens can help them get used to the toilet and have a sense of control.
Potty
Many parents start with a potty. It’s easier for a child to get onto and they may feel safer as it’s not so high. You can put it somewhere they can get to in a hurry because they get very little warning a wee is going to come out. When you go out it can be easier to take a potty with you than to make other toilets safe and comfortable for your child.
Some parents have a potty out before their child is ready to learn. Children get to know how it feels and that it is theirs. You might leave it where they are playing so they get used to it, or put it in a place they choose. They could sit on the potty at different times during the day with their clothes on without any other expectations. You could get them to sit teddy on the potty ‘to do a wee’. When confident with the potty they can then make the transition to the toilet.
The most important thing is to make it easy and fun for your child. If they are afraid or upset about the potty or toilet don’t pressure them. Put off starting for a month or so.
Getting started
If you think your child may be ready to start, choose a time when you will have the time and patience to give it your attention. Weekends can be good if you are working.
- Encourage your child to tell you when they have done a wee or poo in their nappy.
- Watch for signs they are about to do a wee or poo. For example, they may start fidgeting or crossing their legs. As you guide them to the potty or toilet you might say ‘Let’s see if there’s a wee or poo coming’.
- If your child tells you before they do a wee or poo, thank them for telling you and take them to the toilet or potty straight away. If they don’t get there in time at first, give praise for whatever they have managed. It helps if they know the praise is for learning a new skill not something they have to do to please you. For example you might say ‘You pulled down your pants really quickly’ rather than ‘You’re a good girl’.
- If your child is relaxed about it you could take their nappy off and put them on the toilet or potty at a time when they usually wee or poo, for example about 20 minutes after a meal or soon after a sleep if they wake up dry.
Encourage your child to sit on a potty or toilet for a couple of minutes. It’s good to make it a habit. If they’re not interested that’s ok. You can try again another time.
- While nappies can be ‘safer’ when going out try not to switch back to nappies at home as this may confuse your child. Most toddlers will still need a nappy at night.
- Toddlers don’t have the skills to wipe their bottom properly so you will need to do this with them until they can get it right — flushable wipes may help. Teach girls to wipe from the front towards the back to avoid getting poo into their vagina as this may cause infection.
- When boys are learning to use the toilet some like to start off sitting down to wee while others want to stand up from the start. Teach them to shake their penis after a wee to get rid of any drops.
- Teach children to wash their hands after using the toilet or potty, and always do this yourself after helping them.
- Keep the toilet or potty sanitised as children will hold onto the seat. This stops germs spreading.
- When your child can go to the toilet leave the toilet light on at night and the door open so they can get to the toilet by themselves.
It can also help to create routines to encourage your child to use the toilet or potty at certain times of the day, such as when they wake up, before leaving the house, before meals, at bedtime. Another option is to put them on the potty or toilet every 1 to 2 hours for 2 to 3 minutes.
Keep in mind all children are different. What worked for one child won’t necessarily work for another. Often firstborn children take longer than younger siblings who pick up cues from them.
Children like pleasing their parents. Reward each small step with cuddles and encouraging words rather than offering treats. You could put stickers on a 'toilet chart' when they achieve certain steps such as wearing pants, weeing or pooing in a potty or toilet.
Toilet training troubles
Learning to control bowels and bladder is a big task. Sometimes problems can be caused by:
- starting too soon. This may be because of pressure from relatives or friends who say things like, ’Surely Tom isn’t still in nappies?’
- parents feeling their child must have learned to use the toilet by a certain age or date. If a child feels tension and pressure they may become afraid of making a mess and it will be hard for them to get it right. Things work best when there is no pressure for either the parent or child
- changes or stress in your child’s life like moving house, starting childcare, a change in routine or a new baby
- a child being unwell. Temporary loss of control can also happen when a child is sick.
It is common for toddlers to relax and ‘let go’ as soon as they stand to walk away from the potty or toilet. They may not be fully ready to start learning if this is happening a lot.
If you think your child is not trying to use the potty or toilet you may find yourself becoming angry and even wanting to punish them. Try again in a few weeks when things are less tense. Spend extra time making them feel special before you start again.
Mistakes are part of learning a new skill. Don’t make a fuss about cleaning up or show impatience. If your child feels they’ve failed they may become anxious and have more accidents.
Constipation
Although most children poo every day it’s normal for some to poo less often. Constipation is when it is difficult for your child to poo, when the poo is dry and hard or when they poo less than 3 times a week. Your child might have tummy ache or hold on because it hurts when hard poo comes out — it can even cause tears around the anus. Constipation often affects children who are learning to use the toilet. It can help to keep on top of this.
Some causes of constipation include:
- the food your child eats. Make sure they get plenty of fibre from fruit, vegetables, wholemeal bread, cereals, beans, lentils
- not drinking enough fluids. They need to drink plenty of water through the day
- some medicines
- not enough active play
- fear of going to the toilet or being alone in the toilet.
Constipation can make learning to use the toilet more difficult. If you are concerned talk with your doctor, child health nurse or dietician, especially before using laxatives or other treatments — even ones from the supermarket or chemist.
Bladder infections
If a young child has a bladder infection they won’t be able to stay dry all the time and learning to use the toilet may be more difficult. See your doctor if:
- your child is weeing a lot or starting to wet their pants after learning to use the toilet
- there is pain when weeing or blood in the wee
- they are weeing frequently during the day after the age of 2 or not using the toilet by 4 years
- their wee changes in smell.
Children with disability
It may take longer for children with developmental differences or delays, health or mobility difficulties to learn to use the toilet reliably. They sometimes need a lot of help, and in some cases special equipment. Talk with your doctor, support worker or a health professional if you need extra support. Other parents of children with similar difficulties may have some helpful ideas.
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Last published: 13 Jan 2025 4:09pm
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