What is your parenting style? - Parent Easy Guide
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Parenting SA
Parents are the most important influence in children’s lives. The relationships we have with them, our values and the example we set have more impact on how they will grow up than anything else. While there are different parenting styles, children benefit most when parents are warm and loving and provide clear guidance and support.
Being a parent
Raising children can bring great joy as we watch them grow and develop and become their own unique person. There can be challenges too and most families find parenting a journey of ups and downs. It can help to remember:
- there is no such thing as a perfect parent. A loving relationship with your child, and being able to reconnect when we haven’t got things right is what is important
- each child is an individual with their own temperament and unique qualities. Parenting needs to be adapted to meet each child’s needs over time
- you are a person as well as a parent. Looking after your own needs too makes parenting easier
- all parents need help at times. It’s OK to seek advice or support from family, friends, services.
Most parents learn about parenting ‘on the job’ and grow into their role with experience. It’s important to believe in yourself and be confident in your parenting.
What influences our parenting?
Our ideas about parenting come from things such as our own upbringing, life experiences, culture and religion, and what we have read or seen others do. You may have had positive experiences as a child and want to do things the same way your parents did, or you might want to do things differently.
Values
Parenting is also influenced by our values, whether we realise it or not. For example you might:
- take time to make healthy meals because you value health and wellbeing
- encourage children to do things for themselves because you value responsibility.
As a family you might decide it is important to:
- show love, kindness and respect
- be patient, fair and honest
- accept each other’s differences
- have a safe home with no yelling or hitting.
Parenting together
Parenting will be easier and benefit children if you work with their other parent, whether you live together or not. Talk about what’s important to you both and for your family. Reflecting on our parenting can help us think about what children need and if what we are doing matches our family values, eg if we value respect for others yet find ourselves yelling at children or each other, we can think about how to do things differently.
Children benefit when parents work as a team and can back each other up.
Parenting style
Studies show there are four broad parenting styles. Parents might use a mix of styles but tend to use one the most. Each style and how it may impact children is outlined below.
Authoritarian
Parents who use this approach:
- tend to tell children what to do and expect them to obey. They may not give reasons and say ‘Because I said so’ or ‘Just do it’. The aim is obedience rather than helping children learn what is expected
- can be controlling, lack warmth and be overly strict or harsh
- may have limited understanding of children’s development and expect them to do things they cannot yet do
- can have high expectations of children’s learning but may not understand the developmental or emotional support they need
- can react based on their own mood rather than the situation or a child’s behaviour.
Children raised this way know the rules and may be quite obedient. However they may not be supported to learn important life skills including how to solve problems, make decisions, take on responsibilities. They may feel misunderstood or disconnected from their parents and struggle with social skills and self-confidence. Some may become defiant or aggressive.
Permissive
Parents who use this approach:
- are warm, loving and responsive but provide very little or no structure or limits
- may give in to children’s demands too often
- tend not to set firm limits, are inconsistent and don’t follow through, eg say children can have one hour of screen time but not enforce it
- can allow children to behave poorly even when it affects others.
Children may grow up feeling loved but insecure due to the lack of boundaries. They haven’t had the opportunity to learn appropriate behaviour, be responsible and understand the impact of their actions. They may struggle with self-discipline and social skills and be too self-involved. The structure and focus needed to do well at school may not be provided.
Disengaged
Parents who use this approach:
- tend to take little interest in their children and not get involved in their activities, eg they may be too engaged with their devices or other things
- may provide for basic needs but not offer much love or affection
- may not set limits or provide structure such as regular bedtimes. Guidance can be minimal or non-existent.
Children may feel unloved and can miss out on the support and guidance they need. They may be withdrawn, anxious and stressed. They can lack social skills and have problem behaviour. Parents may not have high expectations of them to achieve or even attend school.
Supportive
Parents who use this approach:
- are calm, reasonable, predictable and involved
- understand each child’s temperament and stage of development
- set clear, reasonable and consistent boundaries and limits
- explain the behaviour they expect, listen to children’s views and problem-solve together
- support and guide behaviour rather than punish
- allow children to be independent and learn for themselves
- give responsibilities suitable for a child’s age and ability
- respond to situations based on a child’s needs rather than their own emotions.
Children tend to be more emotionally mature and responsible. They feel capable, self-confident and have good social skills. They are supported to do well at school and encouraged to try their best. As adults they are likely to function well in the world.
Supportive parenting works best for children. Parents are warm and loving but also provide clear guidance and support.
When reflecting on how much you may be using the supportive parenting style, it can help to ask:
- do I show my children I love them and understand how they feel?
- do I really listen to them?
- do I provide routines, traditions, boundaries and guidance that help them feel safe and secure?
- am I clear enough about how I want them to behave? Am I calm when giving feedback?
- is my child able to understand why a behaviour is not OK? Can they see how it affects others? Have I helped them work out better ways to get what they need?
Supportive parenting tips
Build your connection
- Focus on building a positive relationship with your children.
- Spend time with them individually doing things they enjoy. Try to see things from their point of view – their experience might be different from yours.
Show your love
- Tell children you love them. Give hugs and cuddles. Keep showing your love as they grow - teenagers need to know you love them too.
- Show you genuinely enjoy spending time with them. Play, laugh and have fun together.
- Be interested in things that interest them. Know what’s happening for them, go to their activities or sports and get to know their friends.
- Plan things as a family and celebrate special occasions.
Children benefit from our full attention. Don’t let TVs, phones or other devices get in the way – eye contact is important!
Talk and listen
- Talk with children often. This shows you care and helps them sort out their ideas.
- Listen to what they say. Try to work out the feelings behind their words.
- Be relaxed and open. Talk about a wide range of topics, including sensitive ones in ways that suit their age. They learn they can talk with you about anything and will be more likely to come to you if they have a problem.
- Let them have a say in family decisions. They may not always get what they want but it shows you value their views. It helps them practise problem-solving and decision-making.
Research shows having meals together as a family makes children and teenagers happier and relationships stronger. It’s a chance to talk, listen and share the day’s events.
Inspire achievement
- Read books together from a young age, or tell stories. It can be a special time that children remember all their lives.
- Encourage them to have a go at things that interest them and build their skills.
- Help them achieve their goals and see positive futures.
- Encourage their learning at school and in other activities. Provide support when they need it.
- Praise their efforts, eg ‘I can see how hard you worked to achieve that’ rather than saying ‘You’re so clever’. Celebrate their successes and encourage them to learn from failure.
Guide and support
- Children need to know what is OK and not OK. Have reasonable expectations of children’s behaviour that suit their age and development. Limits and boundaries help children feel secure.
- Notice when they do well and praise their behaviour, eg ‘thank you for sharing with your brother’ so they know to keep doing it. Encouragement works better than punishment. When you punish children it’s hard for them to learn the behaviour you expect – they’re focussed on how they feel, eg angry, defensive.
- Be patient. Young children are not yet able to manage their impulses and emotions. They need your help to learn how to do this and to practise independently.
- Acknowledge children’s feelings, eg ‘You really want to play some more... it’s hard to stop when it’s time to go home’. They will be more likely to do what you want and it helps you stay connected.
- Showing you understand can open the way to conversation. Say things like ‘I’m worried about you. You seem upset/angry about....’ or ‘It must be really hard to.....’.
- Help children express strong feelings in safe ways, eg outdoor play, sport, drama, music, writing.
When children feel understood they are more likely to listen to your advice and guidance.
Be a positive role model
- Children learn by what they see you doing. Behave in ways you expect of them and treat people the way you want them to treat others. Live the values you want them to have.
- Be mindful of the language you use and what you talk about when children are present.
- Help children learn to deal with their emotions by modelling this yourself. Stop and take a deep breath if you’re angry or upset. Calm yourself before you respond. It’s not always easy but you are showing them that big feelings can be managed.
Children benefit when they have a network of trusted adults to talk to, eg aunties, uncles, grandparents, family friends, community, sports or activity leaders. Having mentors in their life can broaden their horizons.
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Last published: 09 Apr 2025 2:12pm
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