Young parents - Parent Easy Guide
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Parenting SA
Being a parent is one of the most important roles anyone can have. There are lots of new things to learn when you first become a parent. This can be exciting as well as challenging. Having a supportive network of people and services is important so you don’t feel you’re doing it all on your own.
Enjoying being with your baby and discovering all the unique things about them can really help you adjust to your new life as a parent.
About you
Parenting while you are still a young person yourself can be complicated. You may feel overwhelmed by the sudden responsibility of caring for your baby. They rely on you for everything and their physical and emotional needs now come first. At the same time, you may enjoy watching them grow and develop into their own little person. They may have brought a newfound sense of purpose into your life. There may be worries too, eg about where you and your baby will live, how much your life might change and how you will juggle the needs of your baby with your own needs, eg to study or work. It’s normal for all new parents to worry at times and all parents need support.
While individual circumstances vary, most new parents say nothing quite prepares you for how different life is afterwards. Often parents find getting reliable information helps and that they also learn about parenting as they go along.
Becoming a parent can be both joyful and challenging. It is also a chance to learn and grow as a person.
Looking after yourself
Finding support that’s right for you
The saying ‘It takes a village to raise a child’ recognises that parenting is a big job, one best done with the support of others. For some new parents it can feel uncomfortable to accept help or support, especially if they are used to living independently or have helped raise other children. However, identifying any trustworthy and caring family, friends and other supports and allowing them to help out when needed can make a big difference. Whether you are parenting on your own or with a partner, try and build an extensive network of support around you. Services listed at the end of this Guide can be a good place to start.
Old and new friendships
Old friendships may continue even if you are the first to become a parent. You may also find yourself wanting to make friends who share your parenting interests. There are a number of ways to connect with other parents, eg at a childcare centre, playgroup, library, staying in touch with people from a pregnancy/birthing group.
There are also young parents’ groups. While joining a group may not suit everyone or feel challenging at first, young parents can share ideas and learn more about child development while children play together.
Dealing with stress
The responsibilities of being a parent can be stressful. You may worry about money, balancing study or work with baby’s needs, or feel like you’re missing out on things your friends are doing. All parents feel stressed at times and it’s important to find healthy ways to cope. It can help to:
- spend time outdoors – you could take your child for a walk, go to the local playground or have a picnic in the park
- practise ways of calming your nervous system through things like yoga, deep breathing, listening to music
- eat well and be active
- switch off devices and spend time connecting with your baby through cuddles, talking, watching them play, reading or telling stories
- get enough sleep. While this is not always easy when you are a parent there may be things that can help, eg sleeping when your child is asleep; preparing what you need for night feeds before going to bed; doing something relaxing before bed (taking a bath or shower, listening to music, reading); asking a trusted adult to mind your child while you sleep
- connect with others about how you are feeling or just to take a break. You might do this face to face, by phone or message. Even short chats can help when things feel tough.
It’s OK to need your own space at times. If there is someone you trust to care for your child you could have a night out, go shopping or do something special. Childcare or occasional care is another option. You can also have ‘downtime’ at home doing something you enjoy, eg when your child is sleeping. Spending time with people who care about you can help too.
Know that difficult feelings are normal
It’s normal for parents and children to have times when they feel tired, unwell, frustrated or angry. It’s important to acknowledge how you feel and that it’s okay to have these feelings. Then you can take steps to manage them. You could:
- try and do something about the cause of the underlying feeling
- work out when you are most likely to become upset, angry or stressed and do something different
- talk to your doctor or health professional.
It can help to:
- become aware of your body’s signals when you start to feel stressed, upset or angry. Signs of stress may include:
- fast breathing, tense spots or other bodily sensations
- troubling or repetitive thoughts
- try to do something that helps you calm:
- picture a ‘Pause’ button you can press and take a few deep breaths
- making sure your child is safe, go outside for 5 minutes
- make a cup of tea or coffee
- play some soothing music
- phone someone to talk about how you feel.
Some parents, if feeling overwhelmed, may have urges to hurt their baby by hitting, throwing or shaking them. If you feel this, the safest thing you can do is to take a break, go outside and call a trusted friend or family member. Even if your baby is crying, it’s better to walk away for a few minutes until you feel calmer than to hurt your child. If you have these thoughts, urges or feelings, reaching out for support is vital.
Babies must never be shaken. It can cause serious brain damage that can last a lifetime. Some children die from being shaken.
Calming strategies can help ease difficult emotions and give you space to think about what your child really needs from you. Babies and young children cry or use other behaviours to communicate something they need, not to upset you. Learning to manage hard feelings and getting to know your child makes parenting less stressful and more enjoyable. You are also showing your child it’s okay to have big feelings and there are healthy ways to deal with them.
Even when you feel calm, it’s not always easy to know what your child might need from you. There are programs that help parents learn what babies and young children need to grow and develop well. Ask your local childcare or Children’s Centre about these or search and book in online. Programs include ‘Families Growing Together’, ‘Circle of Security’, ‘Bringing up great kids’ and others. They will help you understand more about your child’s needs at different ages
Postnatal depression
While having some negative feelings is normal, any parent who feels sad, angry, stressed or unhappy a lot of the time in their baby’s first year or so needs to seek professional help. Postnatal depression rarely goes away by itself. Talking with your child health nurse or doctor is a good place to start.
Taking care of yourself will help you to look after your family.
Thinking about the future
While it can be difficult to juggle at times, there are ways to continue your education, training or work if you want to. Some schools have programs designed for young parents (eg Northern Adelaide Senior College; Compass Catholic Community; Christie’s Beach High School) and some have a crèche. TAFE and other training providers also have lots of courses. There may be counsellors/youth workers who can help with information about things like Centrelink benefits, subsidised childcare and how to get financial and practical support. Other options could be:
- working or studying when other trusted adults are able to care for your child
- enrolling them in childcare
- online study/training.
Being organised and flexible
Having regular routines, being organised and planning ahead makes parenting easier. Babies and children are calmer and thrive when they know what will happen next. Following daily routines, especially around feeding and sleeping can make life easier for both parents and children (see Parent Easy Guides ‘First foods for babies’, ‘Sleep in the first year’, ‘Sleep after the first year’, ‘Feeding Toddlers’).
- Plan ahead to visit your doctor, child health nurse, play group, the shops especially if you don’t have your own transport. For health issues telehealth appointments may be an option.
- Work out a budget so you can meet baby’s needs and pay bills or important costs – services offering financial counselling may be helpful, eg Anglicare, Uniting Communities.
- If you are taking baby out prepare well ahead of time, eg things you may need for nappy changing, feeding and safe sleeping.
It’s also important to stay relaxed and flexible if plans have to change. This helps your baby as they take their cues from how you are feeling. Being flexible also makes it easier to adapt to their changing needs as they grow and develop. (For information on stages of development see Parent Easy Guides ‘Milestones for young babies; for older babies; for toddlers; for 3-5 year olds.’)
Being a good role model
Children learn by watching and copying others, especially their parents. They will learn how to express their feelings, deal with frustration, care for themselves and get on with others from how you do these things.
Children are also influenced by others in your life. It’s important the people you choose to have around them model positive, healthy, safe behaviours.
Children are curious but don’t yet understand danger. They need you to keep them safe – see Parent Easy Guide ‘Safety for young children’.
About your child
What matters most to children is how you nurture and connect with them, not your age. Building a strong relationship with your child during pregnancy and from birth onwards helps them to learn, grow and develop. Getting to know them well helps you understand what they need. If, for whatever reason, you feel you didn’t get off to a good start with your baby, it’s never too late to begin building a supportive relationship with them. Here are some ways all parents can do this.
During pregnancy
When you are pregnant, making the healthiest choices possible will support your baby’s growth and development. Eating and sleeping well, staying active and avoiding smoking, vaping, alcohol and drugs are all good for baby's health. It's important too that you and your baby feel safe and secure.
Responding to baby’s cries
The world is a very new and strange place for babies. They need to learn it is safe and there are people who will look after them. When they feel safe and secure, they are able to grow and develop their best. When babies cry, they are letting you know they need something. When you respond quickly and warmly, using soothing words as you work out what they need, they learn to trust you will take care of them.
Touch
Warm, loving touch is very important for babies. When you hold them gently and lovingly, you are helping them grow. Watch to see what sort of touch your baby likes and notice when they have had enough.
Love and affection
Giving your child lots of cuddles and telling them you love them helps them feel loved and secure. It also helps their brain develop.
Time and attention
Babies and children need you to take notice of them and spend time together. This might mean giving up things you want to do sometimes, or acting interested in what they’re doing even when you don’t feel like it.
It’s important to talk to your child about what you’re doing so they begin to understand everyday language and learn about their bodies, eg ‘I need to wipe your face because it’s all messy’. Letting your child know when you are going to touch them helps them start to learn about safe touch and healthy boundaries.
Reading
Reading with your baby right from the start is one of the best things you can do to help them develop. When you hold them and share a book it brings together all the things they most need – closeness, safety, touch, seeing, hearing and learning about sounds and what they mean. Even if you don’t like reading yourself you can enjoy this special time, knowing you are giving your baby an opportunity – one you may not have had yourself.
Talking, singing, making up stories are great for baby too. You can also tell them what you are doing as you go about your daily routine, eg feeding, changing their nappy, playing, cooking.
Play and learning
Babies and young children need lots of things to do to help their brains develop and to learn. Play is how children learn and have fun at the same time. The good news is that parents are their best playmates and they love it when you:
- talk, read, sing, dance together
- play with them and their toys
- lie on the floor and let them crawl over you
- take them for walks.
Young children don’t need expensive toys. They love things like saucepans and lids, pegs to put into containers, or cardboard boxes of different sizes to make tunnels and cubby houses – make sure these everyday items are safe, eg not a choking hazard or anything that could hurt them. It’s good to change toys often for variety – you could borrow from a toy library.
Babies’ brains also need lots of rest. Watch and get to know their ‘tired signs’. Their movements might become jerky, they might yawn or look away when you try to play with them, rub their eyes or become ‘grizzly’. Young children might become ‘clingy’ and irritable or ‘whiny’. Signs like these can mean they’re ready for a sleep or just to spend some quiet time together.
Being with other children
As young children grow they need to interact with others, including other children. This builds confidence to learn and socialise when they go to kindy and school. Family or friends may have children they can play with; you could take them to a playground or join a playgroup. Connecting with others and organising activities is another good option.
Getting help
When you become a parent you may think you need to do everything yourself. However, all parents need help and support at times.
Asking for help is a positive step and a strength.
Many young parents have found that:
- other young parents are a good source of information about where to get support
- sometimes they feel judged when going to an agency, doctor or clinic for help. It’s important to keep looking until you find someone you feel comfortable with
- playgroups in Children’s Centres, Preschools and Kindergartens are in the local community. These are child and family friendly and you can expect to be welcomed by experienced staff who can support you in your parenting role
- you can ask health workers for referrals to services that will be able to help you. Some have specific services for young parents
- it can help to take a friend if you are worried about going on your own
- listening to advice from family members and friends can help – the more ideas you get the more you have to choose from. It doesn’t mean you have to do what they suggest.
Parenting is a learnt skill, like any other. It’s OK to make mistakes – it’s part of how we all learn. It’s also important to reach out and accept help when you need it to keep your child safe and secure.
Remember you are doing important work. Acknowledge the things you do well as a parent and your own strengths as a young person. Be kind to yourself when you don’t get things right. Life can be challenging for young people, and especially when you are also a parent. Keep on learning and get any help and support you need to get back on track.
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Last published: 07 Aug 2020 3:39pm
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